Should You Stay Married To Your Bipolar Husband or Wife?
By Elizabeth Atlas
Husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends of partners with Bipolar Disorder are the overlooked and underserved mental illness support network of the Bipolar treatment world.
First, we are never secure about our own emotional needs. Are they more or less important the needs of our mentally ill spouse? If we choose to take care of our own needs first, we often suffer, then punish ourselves with guilt, then get angry toward our sick partner that he or she has caused us such misery.
But if we choose to put our partner’s emotional, physical and mental health needs ahead of ours-after all, he’s the sick one-our quality of life diminishes. Our choices are never easy and always agonizing.
True Marriage Partner or Bipolar Caregiver?
Second, husbands and wives are alone in coping with our spouses’ Bipolar Disorder (also known as Manic Depression). Besides managing doctor visits, medications, decisions on whether to hospitalize or not, “well” partners must fight for our relationships. The line between partner and caregiver is thin and often non-existent. It can make for a lonely and often devastating life.
You cannot share your feelings with your bipolar partner; he’s the sick one and the cause of your distress! Your parents are empty nesters; you can’t burden them with your problems. Your siblings have their own families to worry about. Unless mental illness runs in your friends’ families, they won’t understand what you cope with. Plus your bipolar husband or wife may not want you violating their privacy rights.
Why Do You Stay in Your Bipolar Relationship?
The pressure on us from friends, family and professionals is unrelenting. Those who ask, “Why do you stay in your relationship?” are not supportive. And neither are the ones that imply that it’s your duty to stay married to your bipolar husband or wife. Bipolar disorder runs roughshod over relationships. The divorce rate is three times higher in these marriages than in the general population.
Bipolar Suicide Rate
In my personal story, when I did find a “spousal support group,” there was one man (divorced) and 16 women. A third of the women’s husbands lived in their basements, couldn’t hold jobs and couldn’t contribute financially or emotionally to their family life. One third of the women were divorced from violent men who beat them or were emotionally abusive to them or their children (a common side effect of problems with bipolar medication).
The last third were widows-their bipolar husbands had committed suicide. (The suicide rate for bipolar disorder is 12 times higher than the “normal” population.) Everyone in the support group thought I was in denial for having a goal to stay married.
Why do you stay married to or in a relationship with a bipolar husband or bipolar wife?
Elizabeth Atlas is the author of “Married To Mania,” a book about that helps spouses and partners be married to someone with bipolar disorder. Her book teaches how to “live life on purpose,” despite the unfair hand you were dealt in love and marriage and despite the chaos and emotional mine field you must avoid everyday in a marriage to someone with manic depression (another name for bipolar disorder). Elizabeth shows how to construct a plan to take charge of your life and to retain control of your life’s goals, without getting caught up in the bipolar drama–no matter how much you love your bipolar spouse.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Myself and my
partner hold a
happy and
healthy
relationship.
Bipolar is an
obstacle but it is
not the end. This
website is sick
and
embarrassing. Go
to hell
Alex, I’m happy that you and your partner have found ways around your illness obstacles. You’re one of the lucky ones. Many more wives of bipolar husbands and husbands of bipolar wives struggle to find the balance between bipolar medications, behaviors and and not letting the bipolar illness consume their relationship. Perhaps you could share some of the things that have worked in your relationship.
This is a great website!
One of the symptons of my wife’s biploar illneass is Morbid Jealousy. She is totally irrational & has caused our family to break up to say the least. The privacy between her shrinks & myself only prolonged the misery & emboldned her stance towards our divorce.
To Alex: Perhaps you could share some of the things that have worked in your relationship. (l.o.l.)
Hello. I am trying to find an ongoing blog. I am the wife of a bipolar husband. I am looking for a support group here in my area. I found NAMI but from what I’ve read that is not specifically for spouses. I am on the brink of divorce and have been for a while. I have 3 little children and living with my spouse is a big challenge and only seems to be getting worse. He is a wonderful father but an awful communicator. I feel blamed by his family too and that is making my life more difficult. Any help you can provide would be great. Thank you!
I would definitely call NAMI. They are aware of all the bipolar support groups and can direct you. It was very difficult for me to find a spouse’s support group, too. You just have to keep trying. If there isn’t a support group for wives or husbands of bipolar partners, start one! We are one of the most neglected (and most needed) populations! Other wives and husbands will seek YOU out!
Hello, I have just broken up with a beautiful guy with bipolar. He walked out the door. When I read this book “married to mania” I thanked God that I found it. I was blaming myself for everything, and continually wanting him back after a bad episode, and both of us had calmed down. I was in a terrible cycle. The book was right, my family did not understand, my friends all thought I was nuts, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on, no one understood. When I read the book, I could not stop, it was as though I was reading about my relationship. It answered so many questions, and the advice was excellent. People think I was lucky when he left and found someone else, very quickily I might add, but I was devastated. This book showed me it does not matter what I would have done, bipolar would have always be there. What an incredible woman the author is, and I can only imagine how hard it would have been to move on, but after two years in the same situation, you have no choice. Read this book if you do not understand bipolar it is excellent.
Kaylene, I’m so sorry for your loss. We are all to be commended for trying so hard to make our challenging relationships work, no? I truly appreciate your comments about my book and how it helped you. As *cold* as it may seem, in a relationship with a bipolar partner, you must reserve some of yourself for you and not invest every last drop of your compassion into your partner. May you find true happiness with your next partner!
I have a boyfriend that’s bipolar we have been together for 3 years I thought I was crazy. We have broken up several times in the last 3 years. The same problems ocure over & over again…..I love him for the help he has given me…but now I can’t get over the problems we have….this is difficult…..we have broken up, but he doesn’t seem to understand that. He is insistant on having sex..asking what I’m doing….I’ve stopped answering he’s calls, then he comes over….please help.
Rita, you don’t say whether your bipolar ex-boyfriend is taking his medication. Whether he is or not, it’s obviously not working for him. That’s his problem, not yours. You must not allow yourself to be a ping-pong ball to his moods. Set some ground rules for him if he wants to be with you. Or stick to your guns and stay broken up, if that’s what you want. Put your life goals first; not his.
Any readers have other suggestions for Rita?
I have a husband that is bi-polar also. we have two little girls, and part of the reason i’m going nuts is because he rarely shows them affection. i can handle not getting it from him, but i think his kids deserve his attention. our oldest daughter will turn 2 next month and last month was the first time he even helped me give her a bath. if i ask for his help with the kids he sulks and roles his eyes like he hates taking care of his kids. he requested that i quit my job, so i’m a stay at home mom now. both of the kids are still in diapers, the youngest is 7 months old and just crawling. Is it normal for somone with the disorder to be like this toward there family? MY mother is bi-polar also and she never showed affection either. aslo with the disorder on both sides of the family will my kids get it?
Christine, just stop right there. Why should you “handle not getting it” from your husband? Affection is a big part of marriage, and should be a marital haven for you as your family grows. Do you really want to teach your kids that it’s OK to be emotionally deprived? What kind of future mates will that set them up for? You don’t mention if your husband is taking bipolar medication. If he isn’t, that’s the first thing you need to address. If he is, maybe it’s making him too lethargic to participate in your family life, and it needs to be adjusted. Believe it or not, it’s not too soon to be in family counseling. Things will only get worse as the kids get older. From the research I read, the onset of bipolar disorder is nurture and nature–part DNA and part environment. Therefore, strive to have the healthiest emotional home life you can.
My husband of 6 years was diagnosed bipolar I two months ago. I stay because I love him, because our children love him. Yes there are days I/we avoid him due to mood swings. It is hard, and I agree with the post that sometimes I can’t distinguish the line between spouse and caregiver. Trust is hard sometimes it’s there and others ..not so much. But on the days I see “him” the man I married and love beyond a doubt..I know I can make it through the others. It’s hard though when he is so withdrawn somedays and sometimes out of no where . The most recent episode of hypermania.. he “found” someone else and talked of me to her and all I could do was feel sorry for her.. How sad is that? I guess I rationalized it . I handle it all.. for now.
I have been with my husband for 14 years, the periods of mania flight of ideas and indescion are getting worse. He will not take medications or talk to any one. He has now asked me to change jobs so I am home more. I am very career oriented and have a very good job that requires me to travel at times. I do see that me not being home does affect his illness. I am now challenged with do I change careers or leave my husband. He recently left me in Fla when we were on vacation and states that he can not return due to him thinking that my family thinks poorly of him, he is sensative and makes a big deal of every little comment.
I too am married to a bi-polar, he doesn’t take meds, or seek/accept any help. I want to stay married, it is hard though, he is verbally abusive & threatens divorce when mad. When he is not mad, different story he thanks me for staying with him, etc. The few things that work for me: 1) First is not to get involved in the emotional drama, stay even, If I get mad then it escalates, if I don’t it passes much quicker. 2)I stuggle to not be perceived to be giving him the silent treatment, that too escalates his anger, so I try to say the same things at various times of the day such as good morn/night, love you, I intentionally make up reasons to ask him a question, it is hard though, at the height of the drama to know how to approach him. Sometimes talking to him when he is mad just makes him more mad. I call him from work even though he may not answer, & then just leave a message, or at least he’ll see that I called, cuase I may call several times, but just leave a message the 1st time. In doing these things, I make it not about me, I think about myself not being part of it, as if he mad at someone else, that way I can deal with it better emotionally. 3) I tell myself (repeatedly some days) “Stay off the roller coaster ride”, “play the game”, & “look at the big picture” last one means to me- not to live in the moment when the moment isn’t good, think about the future when this won’t matter anymore, (I used to be very anxious when upset, didn’t know what to do with myself, but when I don’t live in the moment it is so much better!) I read many positive poems (goggle- Christian D. Larson’s poem), & songs, & Bible verses. 4) I rely on my faith in God, 5) I fill my bucket with positive interactions with other people (which is limited cause he is jealous if I hang out with the girls too often) but at work etc. I try to lift others up, & remember that some have greater burdens then I do. 6) I seek wise counsel. If I confide in the wrong person they encourage me to just go for the big D, 2 people yesterday told me that. 7)I exercise & try to eat well, & do things that make me feel good (fill my own bucket). 8)I thank the Good Lord for one child even though I wanted more, I am blessed to have one, & in times like now I am blessed not to have more than one. 9) Even though I am often tempted to be a stay at home Mom again, I remind myself that I get ‘my bucket filled’ at work, & I need that required time away from him.
I think the people that come to this site should join a message group or something together. Lets organize one, lets help each other. Anyone interested?
Hi Christine:) My bipolar hubby is exactly the same no affection to his kids as they were growing up and i met him when i was 21 he was 31 he was fantastic but we moved in too fast..i had a son from a previous relationship with a very abusive guy i was happy someone found me attractive.
I got pregnant very quick and after that the affection stopped just like that! I never knew lonliness could feel this bad. He adopted my child from my ex but she passed away before her 3rd birthday.
Our first together around 9 yrs old started to get depression problems and by middle school he was trying to commit suicide.We had him seeing a therapist but he wouldn’t talk just ignored her. He is into drugs now and we drained our savings to get him help never helps:( He has recently been dx’ed with bipolar. Whenever i brought the subject up christine about affection he would get so mad and scream and yell i’d even get scared, there are alot of people with bipolar that can’t show affection i wish i knew why…it truly breaks your heart and makes you feel so insecure and sad.
I am hoping your situation is better if you read this as it is oct. now. My hubby just went through a cycle he gets every fall? It was draining and scary and lasted so long i can’t eat or sleep. I wish he could understand what it does to us, please take care loree
I stumbled across this site and wish I could afford to buy the book. I am in a relationship with a well balance guy who takes his medication but who is unable to show affection outside of the bedroom and who maintains that his stable state is due to the lack of stress from work. He is not a slacker but I worry that we may not financially or emotionally survive his need for calm. I love him so I am not about to walk away from the partnership or apportion blame but keep hoping (maybe futilely if I believe sites like this) that it may change?
Hi, I’m married to a bipolar man who doesn’t take meds. We have two daughters together. He has all these grandiose ideas and dreams. He’ll start on one project and not finish and then blame me for his failure. I admit I’m not always nice to him but man I’m stressed too and need some emotional support from him. He refuses to acknowledge my hardships and says I should be emotionally stable for him at all times. It makes me sick to know I can’t ever get through to him even when I dumb it down for him and call him out on his hypocrisy. I call out for help and he offers the bare minimum. I tell him its not enough and I’m the bad Guy somehow. My feelings are never validated. My thoughts are never heard,my ideas never tried and my being never happy. He can keep a job he just bitches and moans everyday about how bad he is treated by his peers. But he has gotten fired a few times by pissing off the staff or poor job performance due to him letting someone get to him and he focuses on the problem. He is the clingy type so he lies to my face to get me to change my mind about divorce or guilt trips me by saying I didn’t put any effort into changing my attitude towards him. Its always my fault. I’m not getting any relief from anyone. I need help. Should I drag my poor innocent children through this turmoil to make my husband happy for awhile?
Phyllis, I know the pain of being so conflicted on how to determine the right thing to do when you have a bipolar husband. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get professional guidance to help you decide. No one can tell you what the “right” thing to do is, especially when you have children. But when you have so many ups and downs, it’s usually a matter of determining, and then setting and sticking to, boundaries. Good luck.
My husband has bipolar and I have it also. My husband found out he has it when he had a break down out work during his mothers death. I found out that I have it when my son past away. Neither of us ever thought anything about it growing up. Mine is not as sever as his is but all the same its there. Our marriage has been one big roller coaster of a ride, but we are still there 14 years of marriage now going on 15. That is one good thing I guess. About two years ago it really started going down hill bad. I had to have a pacer put in and to quit work we lost our home and now are having to stay with family in two different counties. My husband has quit taking his meds and is trying to cope with it on his own at times he does allright other times it is all he can do to stay focued. But with God on our side I hope and pray that we can make it. It is a struggle to go through each day dealing with his and mine. There is lots of times that I don’t tell him things that I’m going through because he has enough on his mind. Dealing with both his and mine and the struggles we are going through is almost more that I can stand at times.
Lorna, thanks for writing. I can’t even imagine how much extra stress you both have right now managing your dual bipolar illnesses, trying to help each other and keep your family together with your financial struggles. My best to you both. When going through difficult times, you need more support, not less. Go look for a free counseling service and both of you go. Don’t try to cope with your challenges alone. It’s even more depressing and polarizing. – Elizabeth
i see alot of the women posting here but not many guys .. i am sadly the guy everyone is talking about i have been married for almost 11 yrs to a wonderful woman i have 3 kids and i do support the family finanicaly spelling sorry i make over 100k per year i have been diagnosed for about 20 yrs i have huge rage and jealousy issues i feel if everything is ok that it really isnt my kids are the exception however i love them and treat them very well i make my wife sufffer and treat her horribly sometimes i love her with all my heart and i just cant seem to accept that i have a good thing in my life i seem to just try and push it away when things go good i dont know why she stays with me i know she loves me i just want to say i can help others in what little way i can so if i can share anything in my life tht is good plz ask me
Chris, it is nice to have the male perspective. Most of the wives I know care deeply for their husbands but are often rebuked for reasons that do not seem apparent to them. That starts the endless cycle of “trying to make it up to our mates,” which in the case of bipolar disorder typically escalates a bad situation. I appreciate your insight and offer to help.
Hi, there, my story is the same. I have married to my husband for almost 6 years. And He started getting depression five years ago. I guess he changed to bipolar two months ago. He hardly sleep, is full of energy, and get irritated easily. No matter what I do, he blames me all the time. I really feel hurt by all of those verbal and emotional abuse even though I know he is ill. I asked or even plea with him to see a doctor but he think he is fine. He reject any advice from me. Then, I went away and got back my father’s home. Now, I feel guilty so much as I am a selfish person but it is awfully difficult to take this life. These days, I asked help from his family and told them what I concern about. However, they don’t believe me apparently. His brother said I overact or exaggerate his illness. Just feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Still don’t know how to get through this problem.
My bipolar wife just divorced me and moved back to NYC–I live in Louisiana–where I met her. I feel relieved more than anything else, although I spent seven years trying my best to love her and help her take care of herself. In a five-year marriage, she left me three times. Each time, she would beg for forgiveness and ask for another chance. She tried several meds, and the only one that worked made her anemic. Abilify kept her at a constant low level of hypomania–it was an awful drug for her. What was devestating was that in the last two years of the marriage, I found she had committed adultery numerous times before she met me and had been highly promisuous, even in non-hypomanic states. She also would submit resumes for jobs back in NYC behind my back even when we were reconciled (or trying to reconcile). I also caught her on Match.com twice, and her online flirting got completely out of control during and after the Abilify, which I firmly believed changed her personality forever. She went through DBT and seemed to make good progress in understanding her destructive behaviors and extreme promiscuity, but then her compulsive lying and flirting began again. She did not consistently exercise or keep therapy appointments. All in all, the lability was too much for me to handle. In the final months before she left (and directly after she finished her DBT course, which was about emotional regulation, handling pain, and not making rash decisions), I developed heart disease. Although I had given her emotional support for her medical disorder for seven years, she could not reciprocate when I needed her most. Now back in NYC, she is once again contacting her old lovers. I’m glad to be out of this. I salute those who make their bipolar marriages work, but I hope those who can’t won’t feel guilty. You can’t force people to accept help. As a Christian, I believe in sacrifice, but there are times when becoming a bipolar caregiver is a martyrdom that can ruin a life, both psychologically and emotionally. Every marital situation is different, but my bipolar ex-wife was an extreme narcissist who could not focus on my need for companionship, loyalty, and truth.
Ben, I’m so sorry for your story, but glad you are feeling relieved more than trod upon. I think that’s a common partner/caregiver mode: to be tolerant to the point of doormat to our sick partner’s moods and behaviors…usually with tragic results for us. Thanks for sharing your story; you sound like you were a caring, supportive husband. Too bad you were not appreciated for those qualities. I’d like to see the TV producers make a reality show about bipolar marriage. It would be quite instructional. – Elizabeth
My bi-polar wife was a very supportive and loving wife for almost all of our marriage 15 years, but after a pregnancy, somthing went very wrong within her, she drove me to the brink of break down and then wanted a divorce, she has treated me like hell since then and has changed so much I do not know her anymore. I have been asked would I take her back if she asked, which she has not nor given any indication she will, but I do not know if I can too much damage too much hurt, pain pill addictions, lying and possible cheating, it makes me wonder if any of our marriage was true or was it all a lie. Although I want to believe it was, somtimes I wish I had never met her.
Hi, Will. Thanks for sharing your story. I never cease to be amazed by how much influence our bipolar spouses have over our psyches. Sometimes I think we have our own special obsession!
Thank you Elizabeth, I can not speak for anyone else but for me, it has to do with an inner conflict. I am not sure what to do with her now, but I believe I have been an enabler with her and I can not do that anymore. Though a part of me will always love her, I am going to have to make it tough love, and I hope one day she will get the help she needs. Even if our marriage can not be saved.
Thanks
My husband is bipolar and after the six years of either daily temper tantrams or his overbearing need for physical comfort I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. And with the twist of fate bringing us 2 sets of 2 children from 2 different directions to raise I feel there is no other choice for me but to leave. I now have 4 children who do not understand the angry outbursts or the scarcasum and I can’t teach an angry child who has already gone through so much that being a bully is unexceptable when a grown man does it, or the tantrams or the selfish self centered behavior. If I am alone in a relationship then I would rather be truely alone without the heart wrenching behaviors of the “man” I fell in love with.
Seriously thinking about getting this book to help the children and I recover from the warzone of a bipolar marriage.
Truly Heartbroken and Alone
Kirsten, I’m not sure you’ll ever be “truly alone” with 4 children
That said, you won’t find argument from the hundreds of wives married to bipolar husbands that I’ve talked to that this illness is heartbreaking for families. I found that when I stopped wishing for things to be different and dealt with the reality that IF my spouse changed it would be a gift, not an expectation, I felt more in control of my options and was able to get over my heartbreak. “How” I did it was what I wrote my book about. I wish you peace.
My husband has all the signs of bi-polar even though he has never been officially diagnosed. His mother and daughter are also bi-polar and they feed off of each other. We have been togeather 4 yrs which is a record for him. It’s a constant roller coaster. He always has a new ideal and spends every penny that he can on it. He is like a gypsy and can’t stay in one place for any length and constantly creates a fantasy world that he tries to buy into reality. Everything is someone elses fault and the world is out to get him. He is only happy when he is spending money and having a good time. I can keep him somewhat stable as long as he doesn’t speak to his mom or daughter. This last time he left was right after my mom past away and they found spots in my breast.(still awaiting results) He has been back to visit a few times and calls every day to tell me he loves me and misses me. Yet he has spent 24,000 in 4 for months, gotten fired from his job, has stopped making payments on his vehicle..Never will he discuss anything to resolve the issues. He has never been violent towards me but he bully’s his way through no matter where he goes. It is so embarrasing. Fortunatly he doesn’t drink other then socially or do drugs. He is actually afraid of drugs. Now we live in two states and I only see him once a month. That is my sanity. Good Luck to all dealing with these issues….
Not sure if my wife has bipolar for a fact. She has not been diagnosed because our finances dont fit the expensive doctors. I am what she calls an over emotional husband. I enjoy cuddling her and watching a movie. I love the random “i love you”‘s throughout the day. I enjoy the passing kiss as we both hussle with our 4 children ( 6 m, 4m, 3f, and 12 month m. I believe she has bipolar disorder. It seems that small isssues are magnified into huge problems, things i have been relelntlessly hollared at has been, Not making a fresh batch of kool aid, running the pasta strainer in the dishwasher and her finding that a noodle remained on the strainer after the cycle, cuddling too much, not cuddling enough. She asked me to take the three oldest kids to a christmas parade and she stay behind witht the sick baby. Then gets upset with me for going without her. She allows her son the 4 m to spill juice on the floor, talk back to her, throw fits, break virtually every rule of the house, and speak to me with dispresspect. yet my daughter (3 f) get sent to her room for the entire day if she has an accedent in her diaper (having trouble potty training). or if she crys when the boys hit her or refuse to play with her. I work off shore and make very good money but it seems that when i get home the money is gone and spent on bills. Therefore no medical help for her. If i try to discuss my feelings with her she simply threatns to leave me. or tells me and my 3 f daughter to leave if we are so unhappy. Her previous marriage ended the same way. She treated him like crap and he stopped caring. I try not to go that route but it gets harder every day. She also believes that she has a problem but doesn’t appreciate disussing it. She is never wrong about anything and she is 100% confadent that she knows how to do everything even if she has 0 experience in the subject. I am alway to blame for things going wrong. if she goes to the store to get something and forgets a detail it is my fault for not reminding her. I have been called, lazy , useless, irrisposable, bad father, worthless, etc. she has called my daughter ,lazy, babyfied, a bitch, pussy, and said she will prbably grow up to be a whore because she started shaking her hips when i played music outside during playtime. Its not just me and my child she screams at. her own children 6m and 4 m are constantly being called pussys, assholes, little bitches, lazy, mfers, and worthless. at the end of the day as we lay in bed she tells me how much she loves me and appreciates me and appoligizes for what she has done. (well some of it). i have mentioned the 3f, 6m, and 4m, who i have not mentioned is the 12 month m. He really doesnt get anything bad from her. Infact she is totally obsesed with him. That is if she is not talking to friend onthe phone, over text,voice messaging, or at there home. She often leaves for 2 – 6 hours every other day to be with her friends across the stree and leaves me to care for the 4 children alone. (when im home from offshore of course) I am still looking for some sort of free treatment for her. I need all the luck i can get. When she is not in “a mood” the home is perfect. But let one minor detail go unchecked and this is what our happy home turns into immediatly.
Ray, I am not a psychiatrist, so I can’t diagnose your wife…but either are you. But from what I read, you and your wife are overly stressed managing 4 young children. Not everyone can pull that off without some kind of emotional release. In fact, I can’t think of anything harder than paying attention to one small child, let alone a house full of them. And then at the end you mention being “offshore?” As in, you’re not around most evenings? Maybe your wife is bipolar, who knows. But what she probably needs is a babysitter and time to herself to go out and get her hair and nails done every week…as in–a BREAK from those kids!