Bipolar Husband? Bipolar Wife? Should You Stay Married?
Should You Stay Married To Your Bipolar Husband or Wife?
By Elizabeth Atlas
Husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends of partners with Bipolar Disorder are the overlooked and underserved mental illness support network of the Bipolar treatment world.
First, we are never secure about our own emotional needs. Are they more or less important the needs of our mentally ill spouse? If we choose to take care of our own needs first, we often suffer, then punish ourselves with guilt, then get angry toward our sick partner that he or she has caused us such misery.
But if we choose to put our partner’s emotional, physical and mental health needs ahead of ours-after all, he’s the sick one-our quality of life diminishes. Our choices are never easy and always agonizing.
True Marriage Partner or Bipolar Caregiver?
Second, husbands and wives are alone in coping with our spouses’ Bipolar Disorder (also known as Manic Depression). Besides managing doctor visits, medications, decisions on whether to hospitalize or not, “well” partners must fight for our relationships. The line between partner and caregiver is thin and often non-existent. It can make for a lonely and often devastating life.
You cannot share your feelings with your bipolar partner; he’s the sick one and the cause of your distress! Your parents are empty nesters; you can’t burden them with your problems. Your siblings have their own families to worry about. Unless mental illness runs in your friends’ families, they won’t understand what you cope with. Plus your bipolar husband or wife may not want you violating their privacy rights.
Why Do You Stay in Your Bipolar Relationship?
The pressure on us from friends, family and professionals is unrelenting. Those who ask, “Why do you stay in your relationship?” are not supportive. And neither are the ones that imply that it’s your duty to stay married to your bipolar husband or wife. Bipolar disorder runs roughshod over relationships. The divorce rate is three times higher in these marriages than in the general population.
Bipolar Suicide Rate
In my personal story, when I did find a “spousal support group,” there was one man (divorced) and 16 women. A third of the women’s husbands lived in their basements, couldn’t hold jobs and couldn’t contribute financially or emotionally to their family life. One third of the women were divorced from violent men who beat them or were emotionally abusive to them or their children (a common side effect of problems with bipolar medication).
The last third were widows-their bipolar husbands had committed suicide. (The suicide rate for bipolar disorder is 12 times higher than the “normal” population.) Everyone in the support group thought I was in denial for having a goal to stay married.
Why do you stay married to or in a relationship with a bipolar husband or bipolar wife?
Elizabeth Atlas is the author of “Married To Mania,” a book about that helps spouses and partners be married to someone with bipolar disorder. Her book teaches how to “live life on purpose,” despite the unfair hand you were dealt in love and marriage and despite the chaos and emotional mine field you must avoid everyday in a marriage to someone with manic depression (another name for bipolar disorder). Elizabeth shows how to construct a plan to take charge of your life and to retain control of your life’s goals, without getting caught up in the bipolar drama–no matter how much you love your bipolar spouse.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Myself and my
partner hold a
happy and
healthy
relationship.
Bipolar is an
obstacle but it is
not the end. This
website is sick
and
embarrassing. Go
to hell
April 20th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Alex, I’m happy that you and your partner have found ways around your illness obstacles. You’re one of the lucky ones. Many more wives of bipolar husbands and husbands of bipolar wives struggle to find the balance between bipolar medications, behaviors and and not letting the bipolar illness consume their relationship. Perhaps you could share some of the things that have worked in your relationship.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
This is a great website!
One of the symptons of my wife’s biploar illneass is Morbid Jealousy. She is totally irrational & has caused our family to break up to say the least. The privacy between her shrinks & myself only prolonged the misery & emboldned her stance towards our divorce.
To Alex: Perhaps you could share some of the things that have worked in your relationship. (l.o.l.)
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Hello. I am trying to find an ongoing blog. I am the wife of a bipolar husband. I am looking for a support group here in my area. I found NAMI but from what I’ve read that is not specifically for spouses. I am on the brink of divorce and have been for a while. I have 3 little children and living with my spouse is a big challenge and only seems to be getting worse. He is a wonderful father but an awful communicator. I feel blamed by his family too and that is making my life more difficult. Any help you can provide would be great. Thank you!
March 21st, 2010 at 10:48 am
I would definitely call NAMI. They are aware of all the bipolar support groups and can direct you. It was very difficult for me to find a spouse’s support group, too. You just have to keep trying. If there isn’t a support group for wives or husbands of bipolar partners, start one! We are one of the most neglected (and most needed) populations! Other wives and husbands will seek YOU out!
June 13th, 2010 at 4:26 am
Hello, I have just broken up with a beautiful guy with bipolar. He walked out the door. When I read this book “married to mania” I thanked God that I found it. I was blaming myself for everything, and continually wanting him back after a bad episode, and both of us had calmed down. I was in a terrible cycle. The book was right, my family did not understand, my friends all thought I was nuts, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on, no one understood. When I read the book, I could not stop, it was as though I was reading about my relationship. It answered so many questions, and the advice was excellent. People think I was lucky when he left and found someone else, very quickily I might add, but I was devastated. This book showed me it does not matter what I would have done, bipolar would have always be there. What an incredible woman the author is, and I can only imagine how hard it would have been to move on, but after two years in the same situation, you have no choice. Read this book if you do not understand bipolar it is excellent.
June 14th, 2010 at 12:24 am
Kaylene, I’m so sorry for your loss. We are all to be commended for trying so hard to make our challenging relationships work, no? I truly appreciate your comments about my book and how it helped you. As *cold* as it may seem, in a relationship with a bipolar partner, you must reserve some of yourself for you and not invest every last drop of your compassion into your partner. May you find true happiness with your next partner!
June 18th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
I have a boyfriend that’s bipolar we have been together for 3 years I thought I was crazy. We have broken up several times in the last 3 years. The same problems ocure over & over again…..I love him for the help he has given me…but now I can’t get over the problems we have….this is difficult…..we have broken up, but he doesn’t seem to understand that. He is insistant on having sex..asking what I’m doing….I’ve stopped answering he’s calls, then he comes over….please help.
June 18th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
Rita, you don’t say whether your bipolar ex-boyfriend is taking his medication. Whether he is or not, it’s obviously not working for him. That’s his problem, not yours. You must not allow yourself to be a ping-pong ball to his moods. Set some ground rules for him if he wants to be with you. Or stick to your guns and stay broken up, if that’s what you want. Put your life goals first; not his.
Any readers have other suggestions for Rita?
July 30th, 2010 at 7:19 am
I have a husband that is bi-polar also. we have two little girls, and part of the reason i’m going nuts is because he rarely shows them affection. i can handle not getting it from him, but i think his kids deserve his attention. our oldest daughter will turn 2 next month and last month was the first time he even helped me give her a bath. if i ask for his help with the kids he sulks and roles his eyes like he hates taking care of his kids. he requested that i quit my job, so i’m a stay at home mom now. both of the kids are still in diapers, the youngest is 7 months old and just crawling. Is it normal for somone with the disorder to be like this toward there family? MY mother is bi-polar also and she never showed affection either. aslo with the disorder on both sides of the family will my kids get it?
August 1st, 2010 at 6:36 pm
Christine, just stop right there. Why should you “handle not getting it” from your husband? Affection is a big part of marriage, and should be a marital haven for you as your family grows. Do you really want to teach your kids that it’s OK to be emotionally deprived? What kind of future mates will that set them up for? You don’t mention if your husband is taking bipolar medication. If he isn’t, that’s the first thing you need to address. If he is, maybe it’s making him too lethargic to participate in your family life, and it needs to be adjusted. Believe it or not, it’s not too soon to be in family counseling. Things will only get worse as the kids get older. From the research I read, the onset of bipolar disorder is nurture and nature–part DNA and part environment. Therefore, strive to have the healthiest emotional home life you can.