Bipolar Husband – Bipolar Wife – Help with Bipolar Marriage

Why My Marriage To a Bipolar Husband
Qualified Me To Write a Best-Seller
on Being “Married To Mania”

…And Why the Bipolar Support Groups
Don’t Want You To Read My True Story

After 15 years of marriage to a bipolar husband, I wanted to help other spouses who were married to bipolar husbands and wives get answers they’d never hear from the professional mental health community. So I wrote a book that became a best-seller among spouses married to a bipolar husband or bipolar wife.

In doing so, I drew criticism from the “experts” because I was honest and realistic about bipolar marriage. As of now, my bipolar marriage book, “Married To Mania,” has sold in more than 38 countries and I continue to get positive feedback, like this note from Lynn in Michigan:

“I received the book yesterday, and have read it through twice already. There are no words for me to describe the level of emotions evoked through reading this information…sadness, awareness, shock, disbelief (are those all denial?) just an over-all unsettling feeling at the enormity of the situation I am in being ‘married to mania,’ and also the relief that there is someone else out there that “gets it”.

I have been married for almost 20 years, and all those ‘personality quirks’ and challenging times that we’ve had–well, I was clueless…..substance abuse has always been there, and my husband went to treatment 2 1/2 years ago, and was, for the first time, diagnosed as bipolar. We had a great two years, until (I didn’t realize he had quit taking medication) and he went into the first several day, non-alcohol induced manic phase that nearly did blow the roof off of our home, and we have 4 beautiful children!
What a relief to know I’m not alone. But now that denial is creeping away, I am in the grieving process, and stunned to the point of caution and apprehension for the next move. Thank you for writing “Married to Mania” and for providing this tool.”

This Is How My Book About Bipolar Husbands and Bipolar Wives Came To Be

I didn’t have medical credentials to write “Married To Mania.” But after 15 years of marriage to a man who was the most important person in my life, I was motivated to stay married, and was looking for all the answers I could find to do so. In my darkest, most hopeless hours of coping with my husband’s bipolar disorder, when I tried to reach out for information and help, I didn’t find many options. Most bipolar support groups are created for parents. Or they are for adults coping with a parent’s or a sibling’s illness. In the many support groups I attended over the years, I rarely met spouses.

Spouses are overlooked and under served in the bipolar treatment world. We’re continually uncertaint about whether our emotional needs are more or less important the needs of our bipolar spouse. If we choose our own emotional needs first (how selfish!), we often punish ourselves with guilt, then anger toward our spouse. Inevitably, that creates new problems for the marriage. But if we choose to put our spouse’s emotional, physical and mental health needs ahead of ours-—after all, they’re the sick one—who we get to be in life is a little more diminished. The choices are hard and always agonizing. A spouse is alone in coping with her bipolar husband or his bipolar wife.

Besides managing doctor visits, medications, decisions on whether to hospitalize or not, a spouse also has to fight to have a tenable relationship, which has turned out to be so very different than we originally expected. The line between partner and caregiver is thin and often non-existent. It can make for a lonely, if not devastating life.

You cannot share your feelings with your spouse; he’s the sick one and the cause of your distress! Your parents are empty nesters; you don’t want to burden them with your problems. And siblings have their own families to worry about. Unless your friends have mental illness in their families, they’re not going to understand what you are going through, and your spouse may not want you violating his privacy to share the details anyway. The pressures on us from friends, family and professionals can be unrelenting as well. It’s not supportive or even sensitive to be asked why you stay in your marriage or have it implied that it’s your duty to do so.

Bipolar spouses run roughshod over relationships. The divorce rate with bipolar disorder is two to three times higher than in the general population. When I did find a “spouse’s support group,” there was one man (divorced) and 16 women. A third of the women had husbands living in their basements as recluses, incapable of holding a job or contributing financially or emotionally to their family life; a third were divorced from violent men who beat them or were unstable and emotionally abusive to them or to their children; and a third were widows—their husbands had committed suicide. (The suicide rate for Bi Polars is 12 times higher than the “normal” population.)

Everyone in this support group thought I was in denial for having a goal to stay married. So I didn’t go back. Some help isn’t help. But I felt more isolated than ever. I just knew there had to be a “happy medium” somewhere that would allow me to “live life on purpose,” despite the unfair hand I was dealt in love and marriage. I knew there had to be better choices than living with bipolar chaos and avoiding emotional mine fields everyday.

So I set my sights on finding out my own answers, constructing a plan to take charge of my life, to retain control of my life’s goals and to discover concrete ideas for handling unexpected mood swings, uncontrollable outbursts of anger, inevitable guilt and remorse (mine and his!), and the emotions accompanying the realization that my life partner was no longer the one I married anymore.

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Bipolar Husband – Bipolar Wife – Help with Bipolar Marriage

The Story Behind the Book About Marriage
To a Bipolar Husband or Bipolar Wife
The Bi polar Support Groups
Don't Want You To Read (con't)

How To Be "Married To Mania"

It was a tough education. I had to learn tips for dealing with the medical and insurance establishments without second-guessing myself. They are decidedly not on your side. I had to accept going to counseling for me because my bipolar husband's psychiatrist wasn't going to be there with me when a bipolar episode occurred and my bipolar husgand was screaming at me uncontrollably for no reason, went on a wild spending spree squandering our future or became obsessed with other women or internet pornography.

His bipolar psychiatrist wouldn't help me decide whether to call the police or the mental hospital admissions desk. He couldn't be there everyday to help me figure out what to say and what not to say to the children or tell me how to explain what was wrong dad, and how it wasn't their fault.

I had to learn how to be “Married To Mania” but still make critical decisions everyday that took my bipolar husband's best interests into account without eradicating my morale and self-esteem in the process. I had to dig deep to learn how to still be me, the good person I know I was who didn't deserve any of this.

How To Be a Better Spouse To a Bi Polar Husband or Bipolar Wife

And after 2 years of research, I finished my book. I made sure to cover life-tested and proven strategies to help husbands and wives married to bipolar spouses become a stronger people and better spouses, despite the odds stacked against us. I wrote about how to take a mental-health break every now and then to appreciate the unexpected good days. And then how to jump back into your flak jacket, switch off the memory bank and turn up the force field when “reality” hits again.

All I wanted to do was help other husbands and wives learn to take care of themselves, cope with their mentally ill partner and sometimes to flourish in marriage made more challenging by mental illness. I wrote the book to help spouses in a bipolar marriage find the strength to merge two seemingly impossible objectives: staying married and taking charge of your own life (instead of waiting to see what your partner’s mood is before deciding what yours will be that day). I even discuss how to make the decision and gain the strength to leave.

I am very proud of my book, and it has sold well to its intended audience. But a funny thing happened on my way to "giving back." I sent emails offering review copies to all the major mental health organizations. I asked them if they'd review my book and then help me promote it to the spouses of the bipolar consumers they were helping. In exchange, I'd donate a percentage of every sale to their organization.

Rejected by the Bipolar Helping Establishment – Not There To Support Those
Married to a Bipolar Husband or Bi polar Wife

I was turned down by 100% of the bipolar disorder groups I approached. The general consensus was that my book was "too negative" or "not supportive." I had to laugh. I had been nothing, if not supportive, for more than 15 years. In fact, here's what one Executive Director wrote to me,

"Thanks for the opportunity to review your book, 'Married to Mania.' While it has some excellent material, we are not willing to put it on our website at this time. Some of our concerns unfortunately outweigh the many good parts. While we value your telling of your personal experiences, we want to foster Recovery, which is a reality for most persons with mental illnesses."

Of course they want to foster recovery–that's what they're mandated to do. The target market for this book isn't the bipolar husband or the bipolar wife! It's for the spouse of the bipolar husband and bipolar wife! The book is for the spouse who's married to a bipolar and who is about to fall apart, unraveling the last thread of support holding the family together!

The bipolar support industry totally missed my entire point. Here was a valuable resource that I'd searched for and couldn't find. A resource that an established organization could easily make available for the #1 supportive person in a bipolar husband's or bipolar wife's life…the one who was in daily charge of a bipolar husband's or wife's emotional, physical and mental stability. Take that person out of the equation, and the whole family dynamic falls apart. Wasn't that worth supporting, too? Or does only a sick person deserve help?

But, you know what? After I got over my anger, I realized: I really did have a best-seller! But I was pitching it to the wrong audience. I had to pitch my book to husbands and wives of bipolar spouses who know hope exists, but they weren't able to find it.

So if you're trying to make a bipolar marriage or a bipolar relationship work, then you're already familiar with the Bipolar Husband (or Bipolar Wife) Trifecta: Diagnosis, treatment and denial. You might find some life-changing nuggets in "Married To Mania." Because if you can’t live by the old saying, “It’s the journey, not the destination,” then I advise you not to take the trip.

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What To Do When Your Bipolar Husband Won’t Get Help

Sobering Advice for You
When Your Bipolar Husband or Wife
Resists Getting Help

It's frustrating and at times frightening, but, nonetheless, it's true. If your husband or wife is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he or she may resist getting professional help. When they're depressed, they don't believe help is possible. And when they're in a manic state, they often get irritated or offended when you suggest it. It's not easy being in a bipolar relationship, so here's some information for you to think about.

Some bipolar people refuse treatment their entire lives. Others resist at first, but ultimately acknowledge that they cannot control this illness by themselves. The reasons they most often cite are fear, mistrust and denial. But as a caring spouse, for you it boils down to this:

If your spouse doesn't want treatment, there are only two circumstances in which help can be forced upon him. First, if your bipolar husband or wife presents an imminent health and safety danger to himself or, second, to others. Otherwise, he or she cannot be forced into treatment or "committed" to mental hospital.

This is the bitter medicine that you, as the well wife or husband, must take when you watch someone you love self-destruct. The hard truth is, you can't override your bipolar spouse's decisions for himself–as much as you might want to. And your spouse doesn't have to listen to you, as much as you may think that what you're telling him is for his own good.

The vast majority of bipolar people who pursue conventional psychotherapy have case outcomes that are generally much more positive than if the illness is left untreated. Most of the time, but not always.

Often your bipolar husband may decide to pursue alternative therapies and treatments–either after traditional medical treatment fails or because he distrusts doctors and drugs. These therapies may range from outright quackery to therapies for which some interesting and promising anecdotal evidence exists. The outcomes in these cases vary widely, but, often, if you *believe* that something will help you, it does: the power of positive thinking.

Sometimes those with bipolar disorder put their faith in spirituality to "heal" them or help them cope. As misguided as some treatments may sound to you, you cannot live your bipolar husband's life for him. Instead, turn it around and be glad that your bipolar spouse or bipolar partner is trying to take responsibility for his own care.

When you're in a bipolar relationship or you're married to someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, remember to look out for yourself. As much as you want to help and protect this person, you can't let yourself become a financial or emotional victim. Join a family support group and take advantage of other resources available to you. You are not alone in dealing with this terrible illness.

Elizabeth Atlas is the author of "Married To Mania," a book that helps spouses and partners be in relationships with someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her book teaches how to "live life on purpose," despite the unfair hand you were dealt in love and marriage and despite the chaos and emotional mine field you must avoid everyday in a marriage to someone with manic depression (another name for bipolar disorder). Elizabeth shows how to construct a plan to take charge of your life and to retain control of your life's goals, without getting caught up in the bipolar drama-no matter how much you love your bipolar spouse.

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Bipolar Disorder Information for Wives and Husbands

Information About Bipolar Disorder in Wives and Husbands

I wish I could promise you a happy ending in your marriage to a spouse with bipolar disorder. I wish I could give you a checklist of things to do to guarantee whatever success you're seeking. But bipolar disorder or manic depression doesn't work that way (as if I need to remind you of that).

Each bipolar case is different. Everyone comes with a unique brain, so each manifestation of the illness is different. The most important information I can give you for handling your spouse's bipolar disorder may sound counterintuitive:

Identify who YOU are. Figure out what in your life you hold closest to your heart (other than your spouse). Remember to nurture these ideals so you stretch and grow–regardless of your spouse's daily mood.

There is no blueprint for success when you read information about how to support a husband or wife with bipolar disorder. Every "well" person is unique, too. Making a marriage work with two "normal" people is hard enough. Witness how today's divorce rate tops 50%. Throw in a wild card of bipolar disorder, and you're penalized with a handicap right from the start.

Learn How To Talk to Your Bipolar Wife or Husband

But you can learn concrete strategies for handling unexpected mood swings, uncontrollable outbursts of anger, inevitable guilt and remorse (yours and his!) You can learn to talk to a husband or wife with bipolar disorder and even handle the emotions that accompany the realization that the life partner you have may not be the one you married.

If you're "Married To Mania", you must make critical decisions everyday that take into account your spouse's best interests but don't eradicate your morale and self-esteem in the process. But you can learn how to still be you, and know that you are a good person who doesn't deserve any of this.

You can learn tips for dealing with the bipolar medical and insurance establishments without second-guessing yourself. You can learn to accept that the mental illness professionals are decidedly not on your side.

Bipolar Disorder and Rage

Counseling is helpful. I recommend it, in fact. But your therapist will not be with you when your bipolar spouse screams at you uncontrollably for no reason, goes on a manic spending spree that squanders your future or becomes obsessed with having affairs or gets addicted to internet pornography or drugs. You are the only one there to handle these manic depressive meltdowns.

Your therapist cannot help you decide whether you should call the police or the mental hospital admissions desk. Your therapist cannot be there everyday to help you figure out what to say to your bipolar husband or wife. The therapist isn't there at the exact moment you must explain to your children what's wrong with mom or dad, and how it's not their fault.

You can learn life-tested and proven strategies to become a stronger person and a better husband or wife, despite the odds stacked against you. You can find out how to take a mental-health break every now and to appreciate the unexpected good days. And then jump back into your flak jacket, switch off the memory bank and turn up the force field when the reality of having a bipolar husband or wife hits again.

Lastly, you can find the strength to merge two seemingly impossible objectives: staying married to your bipolar spouse and taking charge of your own life (instead of waiting to see what your partner's mood is before deciding what yours will be that day). Or you can develop the insight and strength to leave a life filled with bipolar disorder once and for all.

Elizabeth Atlas is the author of "Married To Mania," a book that helps spouses and partners be in relationships with someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her book teaches how to "live life on purpose," despite the unfair hand you were dealt in love and marriage and despite the chaos and emotional mine field you must avoid everyday in a marriage to someone with manic depression (another name for bipolar disorder). Elizabeth shows how to construct a plan to take charge of your life and to retain control of your life's goals, without getting caught up in the bipolar drama-no matter how much you love your bipolar spouse.

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